Sorry for the (once again) hiatus from posting here, guys. To be honest, there are multiple reasons. For one, I've been very busy. Two, I've just also been...lazy, for lack of a better word.
Lately, life has been anything but rainbows and butterflies. A few days ago, my boyfriend (of 3 and a half years) and I mutually decided it was best to end our relationship. Since this is a public domain and all, I don't feel the whole freakin world deserves to know why. Our breakup was one of the most mature conversations we've ever had and it remained amicable, albeit super hard. I would argue this is the HARDEST thing I have ever had to do, and the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. I am just thankful that we are going to remain friends and do not harbor any resentment or bitterness towards each other. We both knew it had to happen (for our own personal reasons), so there's no sense in hate, bitterness, or resentment.
I've had my fair share of tears, emotional tirades, and doubts over the course of 3 days. I can't even begin to describe how much pain I'm in (mostly emotionally, but some of that emotional pain has manifested physical symptoms, such as a literally heavy-feeling heart), and this is by far the most pain and hurt I've ever felt. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on ANYBODY.
Today happens to be one of those days I just feel "ok" with things. I have a feeling that I'll have to take this whole thing day by day because I absolutely know that I will not feel "ok" every day. I mean for God's sake, we were together 3 and a half years! I haven't been single since I was 18. I'll be 22 in 5 days and this is the first time I've been single as an adult. It's going to take a long time for me to adjust to all this change.
To top it all off, I move to a new city in exactly 7 weeks from today. Granted, it's to start grad school (one of my major life goals/dreams), but I hate hate HATE uprooting my life. On the other hand, I think it will be good for my healing process to start fresh in a new town at a new college where nobody knows me as "Court's girlfriend" and nobody will ask "OMG Y'ALL BROKE UP! WHYYYYYY?". This will give me a chance to gain more friendships and to pour my heart and soul into other things.
I'm really taking this time to lean on God. There has never been a rough moment in my life that God hasn't carried me through, and I don't believe that will change. I think God realized that with my almost nonstop crying for 2 consecutive days I needed a break today. So far, today has been alright. I haven't cried at all, so that's a step in the right direction. I also believe God has the right man picked out for me and will introduce said man into my life when He deems fit to do so.
But, WOW. Life is NOT what I thought it would be at this age. I always figured by age 22 I would either be married or at least planning a wedding and living out my "happily ever after". Needless to say, life didn't turn out the way I expect. That's definitely one lesson I learned from all this.
Everything will be alright. I just have to take it one day at a time until the day comes that I am TRULY at peace with this breakup. I look forward to the day where I can say I feel no pain and can move forward with my life. For now, I'm going to pour myself into strengthening my relationship with God, working out, eating better (both to lose weight), kicking BUTT in school, work (a graduate assistantship I got with the school I'm going to) and getting plugged into a few organizations.